Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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