We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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