Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
