I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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