k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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