you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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