woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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