oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
