when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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