whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
