seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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