She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
