was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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