Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
