Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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