does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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