I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
