I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
