Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
