I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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