I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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