FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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