I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
