i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
