when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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