It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
