bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
