There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
