I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
