Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
