my phone needs a breathalizer
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
