if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
