Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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