I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
