there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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