Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
