he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
