Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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