I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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