i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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