I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
