I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
