You're earring is so big in my mouth
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
