I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
