all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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