Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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