a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
