6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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