Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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