He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
