I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
