he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
