Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
